New York Mets To Relocate To Hartford!

      In a shocking move New York Mets principal owner Fred Wilpon announced the team would relocate to Hartford, CT for the 2012 baseball season.  “After decades of bumbling around in New York, we’ve decided to bring our lack of talents to Hartford” proclaimed Wilpon.  “We finally realized that there is no purpose in us trying to compete in the New York market, we feel this move is a natural fit for New England’s Rising Star and New York’s eighth most important sports team.”

            While New Yorkers were mostly apathetic towards the news, Hartford residents were ecstatic. “New Britain has had a successful Double A baseball franchise for years” ruminated Pietro Soppersata, a long-time South End resident, “I’ve always felt Hartford could support a Triple A baseball team and the Mets are almost as good as one.”

            The Mets management admitted that market size played a factor in the decision to move the woebegone franchise to Hartford.  “In New York, you have the opportunity to generate lots of revenue and have a high payroll, therefore people expect you to win” explained Wilpon.  “There isn’t much more embarrassing than annually spending $150 million and struggling to reach 80 wins.”

            New Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson said the Hartford based team would eschew the big city model and instead build themselves in the mold of the Kansas City Royals.  “Turn on a Royals game and tell me that doesn’t look like fun” Alderson said.  “Ample seating, short lines at concession stands, nice waterfalls in the outfield, what a nice relaxing experience.”  Alderson then elaborated on the teams approach to player acquisition “I look at teams like the Royals and Pirates and envision executives sprawled out asleep on couches during the trade deadline, that’s where we hope to get with this move.” 

“We’ve exhausted so much energy and resources in trying and failing, it’s time we sat back and rested on our failures and this move is designed to allow us to do that,”  now undefined role former General Manager Omar Minaya.  “Now as a small-market team, people won’t be so critical of failure and malaise, the Mets and the Sad City are a perfect match.”

Most Mets players seemed unconcerned about the relocation “I only play about 50 games a year so I’m ok with it” said shortstop Jose Reyes through an interpreter.  Star free agent signing Jason Bay seemed equally unbothered  “I’m not sure where Hartford is, but I barely know where Citi Field is anyway.”  New manager Terry Collins was also not bothered “I have a totally generic name and few people know who I am, so I’m a great match for Hartford.”  Cross-town rival shortstop Derek Jeter gave his usual bland quote “I’m all about winning and the team. As long as I am the shortstop for life, all I care about is winning and the team.”

When asked about New York fans reactions Fred Wilpon cited a recent social media study the team did to gauge its popularity. “With social media being the center of revolutions in the Middle East, we took to Twitter to invigorate Mets fans, and what we found is that no one cares.” 

When asked if he feared a sudden drop in attendance after the announcement Wilpon responded “Our studies show that 56% of people that show up to home games are actually airplane enthusiasts that come solely to watch planes descend into La Guardia Airport.”   

Asked if Mets mascot Mr. Met would be moving with the team to Hartford Wilpon showed more animation than he had during the entire press conference “What kind of question is that? “ he snapped. “Mr. Met is the most important Met in the history of the franchise, we have long built our entire brand strategy around this iconic mascot.” 

 Catch Mets baseball in Sad City Hartford 2012!

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