With its low self-esteem and high urban blight, Hartford is the ultimate underdog city. Sad City Hartford documents the joys, sorrows and eccentricities of New England's Rising Star.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Six Most Dangerous Things in Hartford

Last week, Hartford cracked the top 20 on the America's Most Dangerous Cities list. Quite frankly, the fact that we were #19 on the list was good news. In fact, we even beat Connecticut's Perineum City, New Haven, who checked in at #18.

So how did we even end up in the top 20? Sad City Hartford decided to take a look at the six most dangerous things in Hartford to explain.

1.) Bullets

Guns don't kill people, bullets do. In the last year, more than 250,000 people were injured or killed last year by bullets in the City of Hartford. That's a staggering figure when you consider that there are only 125,000 people living in the city.

2.) Scratch Off Lotto Tickets
Have you ever gone to your local bodega or gas station to purchase Four Loco Private Stock, only to be stuck in line for an hour as some jerk chain lottos? What is chain lotto, you ask? Chain lotto is when somebody walks into the store, buys some scratch off tickets, proceeds to scratch off the bar code of the tickets, quickly hands them to the clerk for scanning, waits for the clerk to pay out on any winners that they might have and then uses the money to buy more tickets. We have seen the cycle happen as many as four times in a single transaction. It's enough to make you want to punch somebody - which is enough to increase our city's danger ranking.

3.) Drugs
Umm, drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. Mmm'kay?

4.) Fake Drugs
As we have reported in the past, you can go to several gas stations around Hartford and purchase the supplies you need to either dilute your real drugs or manufacture fake drugs. Good stuff. It sure would be nice if someone could do something about this.

5.) Rachel Lutzker
A recent Trinity College study has concluded that the sound of Rachel Lutzker making witty banter while she reports on traffic is enough to make you want to stab your ear drums with a #2 pencil. That is a very dangerous situation.

6.) Gambling
Did you hear? Our favorite has-been radio talk show host was recently busted for being part of a large scale gambling operation. No one was shocked. Not even perpetually dense, stereotypically white, old guy sports columnist Jeff Jacobs. Fun sidebar about the Sebastian arrest: did you know that one of the guys who was also arrested was an 81-year-old man? We really hope more details on this case emerge. Right now we can only speculate that the 81-year-old man was responsible for making book at local nursing homes. With 81-year-old bookies in nursing homes, Hartford is a much more dangerous place.


  1. That 250,000 number is my fault. I make it a point to shoot at least 600 people every day. Really it's more like a part time job.

  2. Rachel Lutzker looks and acts exactly like my aunt.

  3. Wait, they just scratch off the bar code? They don't enjoy the process of scratching off individual game units, slowlllllly revealing the little increments of victory or defeat? What is with these people? It's like they don't even love the game nay more. I blame Aetna and all those bottom-lime bottom feeders.

  4. Methinks the shootings may have too many 0's. It's too bad drugstores don't sell all drugs to the public.
    Hey!~ those with scratch-fever are paying for our schools & highways with their welfare check.

  5. You are right it takes 3 things for a gun to kill some one 1) the gun
    2)the bullet
    3)a person to pull the trigger
    remove any one of the three and you have no problem
    if guns were outlawed only outlaws would have guns

  6. The guy outside of Sam's near Trinity is the nicest dude ever.

  7. So every single person in Hartford has been shot twice!? That new game "Gun Tag" must be gaining popularity.

  8. the aetna life % casualty headquarters first floor women's bathroom. from the moment you realize that the stalls line up precisely like the famed kentucky derby starting gates to the first breath of the 300 watt hand dryer's pratt&whitney-style withering roar, you can think only one thing: aetna, i'm not glad i met ya.